do you know that feeling? the feeling of restlessness; you watch yourself desperately trying to find something to do yet you can't concentrate on it at all. your mind still wanders off to the many opportunities and different possibilities that you may or may not have let slip away from your frail, soft, chilly fingertips, to the moments when you can't stop beating yourself up for mistakes that you may or may not have made on purpose, whatever the purpose may be.
helplessly, i return to this place, where i can vomit my deepest fears comfortably, where people can't try to hurt me. although i don't see a reason why i should be upset about that, because i certainly deserve it.
there i go again, beating myself up. it's a cycle, an ugly repeating process.
i realized that whenever i try to look nonchalant with my green earphones on as i strut across campus in my designer sandals, my eyes always betray me; shining and sharp, they remain perfectly alert, darting around way too much for my liking, frantically in search of something, someone. i wish for them to stop, but they simply won't. i walk away with disappointment each time, the pain in my chest growing bigger and bigger.
i know that only when i fully let down my guard will i find him, as if the only way for me to ever have him is to stop wanting him. it has happened three times; he would only walk into my line of vision when i least expect it, or when i am deliberately trying to run away. a 45-minute drive away from everything that is him didn't do the trick, and only proved this theory correct; he would, even just for a fleeting moment, walk past me once again, his hair messy and his dark circles evident, his hands casually sliding into his pockets and his steps heavy and effortful.
here goes my futile efforts to relax, to make life a little easier for myself.
a friend once told me that my metaphors were by far the most colorful ones they've seen, and here i find myself forming something figuratively literal in my head. if i was a color, i'd be blue; the most confusing and unpleasant blue ever. i try to look cyan, or teal, but instead i'm the darkest shade of navy there is.